Skip to main content

I hate nettles

I'm sorry. I can't be politically correct about this. I hate nettles. They are evil. And to show I mean business, here's a sack of them I ripped up yesterday.

I'm sure someone reading this is thinking 'But nettles are wonderful plants. You can make lovely soup out of them, and nettle wine and nettle tea. They're eco-marvellous.' Well, I'm sorry, it's rubbish.

Just imagine I was talking about local youths: 'They take over my garden uninvited, and they hurt me. Hours after our encounter I was still in pain.' In fact, the local youths are mostly pretty nice, but that applies absolutely to nettles. If humans did what they did, they'd be arrested and sent down.

Death to all nettles.


  1. Now, Brian, find yourself a dock leaf and rub it on your nettle sting. Then stamp on your bag of nettles and immerse them in a pail of water for a few weeks and they will turn into a great liquid manure.
    Nettles are a sign your soil is fertile, so their presence should cheer you.

  2. I like the manure idea - it seems an excellent revenge, thanks Sandra.

    A dock leaf would be good too, but they aren't so good at infilitrating my garden. Next time I'll have to go out on the verge and find one.

  3. I'm shocked you've turned out to be a nettlist.

    Some of my best friends are nettles, I'll have you know.

  4. Nettles as a sign of soil fertility. That makes sense - ever since we've had chickens running around our garden the nettles are springing up all over the place.

  5. I'm sure a couple of hundred years ago they would have deduced that nettles are spontaneously generated from chickens...

  6. Nettles have cured cancer and chronic pain of all kinds and are just getting the recognition they deserve in homeopathic health circles, including products such as the Netical Patch. Once the FDA learns that nettle cures cancer in some cases they're going to plop bricks.... and then try to assassinate everyone involved.... lovely country we live in here in the old U.S.

  7. Nettles are vicious little shits, aren't they. Plus every single time I've been stung I can never seem to find a dock leaf when I need it! ugh...I don't garden myself, but have seen friends of mine on local allotments toiling trying to pull them out of the ground, and like you, managing bags and bags of them. I will say this for them, they make excellent nettle cheese in Northumberland.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why I hate opera

If I'm honest, the title of this post is an exaggeration to make a point. I don't really hate opera. There are a couple of operas - notably Monteverdi's Incoranazione di Poppea and Purcell's Dido & Aeneas - that I quite like. But what I do find truly sickening is the reverence with which opera is treated, as if it were some particularly great art form. Nowhere was this more obvious than in ITV's recent gut-wrenchingly awful series Pop Star to Opera Star , where the likes of Alan Tichmarsh treated the real opera singers as if they were fragile pieces on Antiques Roadshow, and the music as if it were a gift of the gods. In my opinion - and I know not everyone agrees - opera is: Mediocre music Melodramatic plots Amateurishly hammy acting A forced and unpleasant singing style Ridiculously over-supported by public funds I won't even bother to go into any detail on the plots and the acting - this is just self-evident. But the other aspects need some ex

Is 5x3 the same as 3x5?

The Internet has gone mildly bonkers over a child in America who was marked down in a test because when asked to work out 5x3 by repeated addition he/she used 5+5+5 instead of 3+3+3+3+3. Those who support the teacher say that 5x3 means 'five lots of 3' where the complainants say that 'times' is commutative (reversible) so the distinction is meaningless as 5x3 and 3x5 are indistinguishable. It's certainly true that not all mathematical operations are commutative. I think we are all comfortable that 5-3 is not the same as 3-5.  However. This not true of multiplication (of numbers). And so if there is to be any distinction, it has to be in the use of English to interpret the 'x' sign. Unfortunately, even here there is no logical way of coming up with a definitive answer. I suspect most primary school teachers would expands 'times' as 'lots of' as mentioned above. So we get 5 x 3 as '5 lots of 3'. Unfortunately that only wor

Best writing advice

I saw on Twitter the other day (via someone I know answering it), the question 'What's the best writing advice you would give to someone who wants to become a writer?' My knee-jerk response was 'Don't do it, because you aren't one.' What I mean by this is that - at least in my personal experience - you don't become a writer. Either you are one, or you aren't. There's plenty of advice to be had on how to become a better writer, or how to become a published writer... but certainly my case I always was one - certainly as soon as I started reading books.  While I was at school, I made comics. I wrote stories.  My first novel was written in my teens (thankfully now lost). I had a first career that wasn't about being a writer, but I still wrote in my spare time, sending articles off to magazines and writing a handful of novels. And eventually writing took over entirely. If you are a writer, you can't help yourself. You just do it. I'm writ