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I hate nettles

I'm sorry. I can't be politically correct about this. I hate nettles. They are evil. And to show I mean business, here's a sack of them I ripped up yesterday.

I'm sure someone reading this is thinking 'But nettles are wonderful plants. You can make lovely soup out of them, and nettle wine and nettle tea. They're eco-marvellous.' Well, I'm sorry, it's rubbish.

Just imagine I was talking about local youths: 'They take over my garden uninvited, and they hurt me. Hours after our encounter I was still in pain.' In fact, the local youths are mostly pretty nice, but that applies absolutely to nettles. If humans did what they did, they'd be arrested and sent down.

Death to all nettles.


  1. Now, Brian, find yourself a dock leaf and rub it on your nettle sting. Then stamp on your bag of nettles and immerse them in a pail of water for a few weeks and they will turn into a great liquid manure.
    Nettles are a sign your soil is fertile, so their presence should cheer you.

  2. I like the manure idea - it seems an excellent revenge, thanks Sandra.

    A dock leaf would be good too, but they aren't so good at infilitrating my garden. Next time I'll have to go out on the verge and find one.

  3. I'm shocked you've turned out to be a nettlist.

    Some of my best friends are nettles, I'll have you know.

  4. Nettles as a sign of soil fertility. That makes sense - ever since we've had chickens running around our garden the nettles are springing up all over the place.

  5. I'm sure a couple of hundred years ago they would have deduced that nettles are spontaneously generated from chickens...

  6. Nettles have cured cancer and chronic pain of all kinds and are just getting the recognition they deserve in homeopathic health circles, including products such as the Netical Patch. Once the FDA learns that nettle cures cancer in some cases they're going to plop bricks.... and then try to assassinate everyone involved.... lovely country we live in here in the old U.S.

  7. Nettles are vicious little shits, aren't they. Plus every single time I've been stung I can never seem to find a dock leaf when I need it! ugh...I don't garden myself, but have seen friends of mine on local allotments toiling trying to pull them out of the ground, and like you, managing bags and bags of them. I will say this for them, they make excellent nettle cheese in Northumberland.


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