The trouble with tabloid science

The tabloid newspapers have a strange take on science which isn't always ideal. Take a look at the latest Daily FailExcess exclusive:

Our teenagers are facing a new and dangerous threat in the craze for helium hyperventilation. Mother of three Amanda Green (46) from Todmorden in Lancashire worries for her daughter. 'Lucy was an ordinary teenager. She did the sort of things you'd expect a girl of her age to do. Pony Club, that kind of thing. But then she started hanging out with the wrong kind of people. They introduced her to helium.'

Helium, the second most common gas in the universe, is usually employed innocently in party balloons, but in a new and sinister twist, teenagers, inhaling the gas to produce silly squeaky voices, have discovered that it can cause them to float. Lucy Green (14), pictured, was only saved from floating away into space when her parents threw a weighted net over her.

We would have asked a physicist, but no doubt they would have spouted some rubbish about this being impossible, as helium balloons only float because they are less dense that the surrounding air, while the overall density of a teenager is always going to be excessive. But we always try to avoid asking so-called experts as they often get confused by facts - a prime example being the 'consensus' over global warming. Some 'experts' might even suggest that the photograph is a fake. But a whole string of photographic professionals have proved that this photograph has not been altered in any way. IT IS GENUINE. (Really.)

To get a better, balanced picture we have approached media nutrionist Doctor Selena Fox, who clearly has appropriate expertise as her speciality ends in 'ist' and she has a doctorate from a real American internet university.

'This is very interesting,' said Dr Fox. 'The trouble with conventional science is that it is always attempting to explain phenomena by resorting to physical laws. Yet we know from human experience, that the world is far more mysterious than these so-called "laws" can explain. We need to take a holistic view. Yes, helium of itself could not provide enough lifting force. Take the movie 'Up' - it clearly demonstrates that far more helium than could fit in a body is required to achieve lift. But combine this with mental energy, harnessing chi at a quantum level, and there really is no limit to the possibilities of human achievement.'

The facts are clear. Our teenagers are at risk. We need to end illegal imports of helium cylinders, brought into the country by illegal immigrants, now. Or will the government wait until one of our sons and daughters is found floating, lifeless in space? The FailExcess demands action!