What it is to be popular

We're all used to having our email inboxes filled with adverts for dubious medicines, requests to log in from banks we don't have accounts with, and scams that claim we've won/been left a large amount of money. (Does anyone still fall for these? Why?) But there seems to be an increase in a slightly different kind of spam, which I felt merited a reply.

Dear Pamela Hill,
It was very kind of you to email me, though I was deeply disappointed to see that your email was addressed to 'undisclosed recipients'. Am I not the only one?

If you are going to use exclamation marks, please be judicious. One I can cope with occasionally. But putting eight of them after 'Hello' just makes you look flaky.

Apparently you saw my profile at 'wed Search Results'. I'm not sure what this is, but I am certain I don't have a profile there. Perhaps you were looking at Nick rather than Brian.

You rather helpfully list some of the properties one should look out for in a person you are going to have a long term relationship with. I particularly liked 'Do they speak very slowly compared to you?' I can see how one-sided a conversation would be with someone who speaks very slowly, so that's a very considerate point. You also suggest 'Can you really talk to them about absolutely anything?' I'm not one to take offense, but are you suggesting I drivel on about random subjects? This is no way to win me over.

You say 'I here by [sic] paste one of my pix.' Sadly, no pictures were attached, though I have to say given the quality of the content so far, I would be mildly suspicious that it wasn't really your photo. Unless, of course, you had intended to include one of your artworks, though crayons never scan very well.

Finally, I learn 'Am 28 years old and also from the States (USA).' Unfortunately I am not from the States (USA) or the States (anywhere else). It's nice that you are 28 years old. That's a good age to be. But try not to stay that age for too long.

Fascinating though your email was, I feel that I will not be entering into conversation with you. I probably type very slowly compared to you.

Yours in some pain,

Brian Clegg

P.S. Please tell your friend, Loveth Yak, who has also emailed, that there's something about her name that makes me giggle, which isn't a good start, and while I wish her well on her search for a 'nice and lovely friend', I'm really not the one.

Illustration produced at www.wordle.net


  1. I would high-five you if I could. Brilliant! (Maybe I could, since I am 27 and also from the States...)

  2. Have a virtual high-five, Sarah - and thanks, CarolRose.


Post a Comment